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“Think so?” said the undertaker in
atone which half admitted and half dis¬
puted the probability of the event. "" The
prices allowed by the board are very
small, Mr. Bumble.”
c So are the coffins,” rephed the bea¬
dle, with precisely as near an approach. to
a laugh as a great official ought to in¬
dulge in.
Mr. Sowerberry was much tickled at
this, as of course he ought to be, and
laughed a long time without cessation.
c Well, well, Mr. Bumble,” he said at
length, “ there ’s no denying that, since
the new system of feeding has come in,
the coffins are something narrower and
more shallow than they used to bes but
we must have some profit, Mr. Bumble.
Well-seasoned timber is an expensive ar¬
ticle, sir; and all the iron handles come
by canal from Birmingham.”
“ Well, well,” said Mr. Bumble, “ eve¬
ry trade has its drawbacks, and a fair pro¬
fit is of course allowable.”
“ Of course, of course,” replied the un¬
dertaker; “and if I don’t get a profit
upon this or that particular article, why, I
make it up in the long run, you see—he!
he! he!”
*“ Just so,” said Mr. Bumble.
* Though I must say,”—continued the
servations which the beadle had inter¬
rupted,—* though I must say, Mr. Bum¬
ble, that I have to contend against one
very great disadvantage, which is, that
all the stout people go off the quickest—
I mean that the people who have been
better off, and have paid rates for many
"years, are the first to sink when they come
. -into the house ; and let me tell you, Mr.
Bumble, that three or four inches over
one’s calculation makes a great hole in
one’s profits, especially when one has a
family to provide for, sir.”
As Mr. Sowerberry said this, with the
becoming indignation of an ill-used man,
‘and as Mr. Bumble felt that it rather
‘tended to convey a reflection on the ho¬
nour of the parish, the latter gentleman
thought it advisable to change the sub¬
ject; and Oliver Twist being uppermost
in his mind, he made him his theme.
6 Bv tae bye,” said Mr. Bumble, “ you
don’t know anybody who wants a boy, do
you—a porochial ’prentis, who is at pre¬
sent a dead-weight—a millstone, as I may
gay—round the porochial throat? Liberal
terms, Mr. Sowerberry—liberal terms ;”—
and, as Mr. Bumble spoke, he raised his
cane to the bill above him, and gave three
which were printed therein in Roman
capitals of gigantic size. |
s Gadso!” said the undertaker, takin
Mr. Bumble by the gilt-edged lappel o
his official coat; “that’s just the very
thing I wanted to speak to you about.
You know—dear me, what a very elegant
button this is, Mr. Bumble; I never no¬
ticed it before.”
c Yes, I think it is rather pretty,” said
the beadle, glancing proudly downwards
at the large brass buttons which embel¬
lished his coat. " The die is the same as
the porochial seal,—the Good Samaritan
healing the sick and bruised man. The
board presented it to me on New-year’s
morning, Mr. Sowerberry. I put it on, I
remember, for the first time, to attend the
inquest on that reduced tradesman who
died in a doorway at midnight.”
s6 JT recollect,” said the undertaker. "The
jury brought in ‘ Died from exposure to
the cold, and want of the common neces¬
saries of life,’—didn’t they ?”
Mr. Bumble nodded.
c And they made it a special verdict, I
think,” said the undertaker, “by adding
some words to the effect, that if the re¬
lieving officer had 23
4 'Tush—foolery !" interposed the bea¬
dle angrily. “If the board attended to
all the nonsense that ignorant jurymen —
talk, they "d have enough to do.” |
“ Very true,” said the undertaker; "they
would indeed.”
cc Juries,” said Mr. Bumble, grasping
his cane tightly, as was his wont when
working into a passion,—* juries is ineddi
cated, vulgar, grovelling wretches.”
(c So they are,” said the undertaker.
“They haven’t no more philosophy or
political economy about "Jem than that,”
said the beadle, snapping his fingers con
temptuously.
«No more they have,” acquiesced the
undertaker.
c JT despise "em," said the beadle, grow¬
ing very red in the face.
c So do I,” rejoined the undertaker.
6 And I only wish we’d a jury of the
independent sort in the house for a week
or two," said the beadle; “the rules and
regulations of the board would soon bring
their spirit down for them.”
“Let ’em alone for that,” replied the
undertaker. So saying, he smiled ap¬
provingly to calm the rising wrath of the
indignant parish officer. |
Mr. Bumble lifted off his cocked-hat,
took a handkerchief from the inside of the
crown, wiped from his forehead the per¬